10 things you did not know you could do with facebook.


[Masala Alert. Apologies wherever applicable]

10. Have you ever had the need to get people off your back? Facebook is a great way to irritate people. Simply get them to add you as a friend and then spam them with posts from the ‘Aap toh bade cool ho’ page. Watch them wilt in pain while you grin with pleasure. I Ā could tell you all about it and more.

9. Learn English. Yes ! Learn english ! As Slash (tilda-Slash) would secretly admit, facebook taught him there is more to a status than a reservation status and more to a profile than a job profile.

8. Orkutize your world. Now that Facebook is turning into Orkut anyway, why not Orkutize facebook. There are hundreds of awesome communities out there that are dying for new victims and thousands of people who are looking to make new friends. Thankfully Kolli isn’t new to this – Mr. Orkut after all.

7. Make it your source of masala-photus. Just because IPMsg is now behind us doesn’t stop Diesel from adding to his collection. There are still many worlds unconquered by the Dieselcast, and FB is just the way to do that.

6. Turn into Rey Mysterio. You don’t have to wear a mask to do so. Ask blaDE. He has been the biggest pseudo intellectual for years now and FB just keeps him going. All you have to do is put up updates that no one understands. There will always be a bunch who will pretend to understand and comment while the rest of the world looks on in wonder.

5. Maintain that Bhapka. What good is a man without a bhapka as they say. And no one has said it louder than the V00DUDE himself. How does FB help? Oh you just have to go around statusing and adding pictures to project you as the most happening guy on the planet. The bhapka will follow.

4. Get a new occupation. That’s right! Facebook can help train you to be a farmer, a chef, a poker player, a Don or anything else that you may aspire to be. M3mphis has been doing just that for years now and is proud of his ability to change his job just about whenever. In a recent interview, he was quoted saying “If you are not doing what you love. You only need to look harder for that perfect job.” Well said.

3. Mess with people twice your size. On facebook, size doesn’t matter. Who would agree with it more whole-heartedly than rUdi. He has been swearing to people several times his size on FB and getting away with it. Now you can do it too !

2. Turn on the finesse. They say girls can’t resist 2 things : Money and finesse – even if they are both fake. The true ladies man that he is, our very own Baba has had more than a few fine tips up his sleeve to please the fairer sex. With a pickup line as awesome as ‘How am I to look at? šŸ˜‰ ‘, FB has added another layer of irresistability to his already lip-smacking, chick-drooling persona.

1. Make it your Dairy. Who said Facebook was impersonal? It can serve as your very own ‘Dear diary’. You can keep your most heartfelt desires and your deepest confessions in it. You can write to it about how you love your sister’s home and how jam and biscuits turn you on. The world may be blind to FB’s endless possibilities, but Nigs has rediscovered the magic that was so close to him when he was a little girl. Now you can have another heart that beats with yours, right here on Facebook.

Your Facebook is what you want it to be.

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Laila!


I wonder who named her. The name doesn’t sound intimidating at all. In fact, at first sight you might actually be attracted to the name. If you are guy, you head out to try and find her profile on Facebook or Orkut; hoping against all hope that you may manage to find a photograph of her. The next thing you know, her name name is being whispered among circles; even the girls get curious – “What is it about her that is driving these guys up trees?” The only problem is that Laila happens to be a hurricane.

The conspiracy theory enthusiasts would already be rubbing their hands together in glee. Is this a major attempt to cover-up disasters? Governments (or Met departments) across the world have been guilty of naming cyclones after pretty women. Maybe they hope that people would be less frightened by such a name and in the long run would prevent chaos among the disaster-hit.

I guess this is how the Met department pictures the scene to be in a remote village in southern coastal Andhra Pradesh :

Person 1 (Running, Enter from left, exit from right): “Rey lanja run! Laila is coming!”

Person 2 (Sitting, who cares where): “Tell her I am waiting for her.”

So much for the imagination. It so turns out that there is an international council of countries which decide what the next cyclone is to be named (Geez!). And here is some masala for thought – The name Laila was suggested by Pakistan a few years back. Pretty ironic, the country that it hit.

It is even more amusing when you turn on the television in cyclonic times. You see that proud weather reporter, notes in hand pointing in a general direction at the visualization behind her. How someone is supposed to decipher something from those blotches of red and green beats me. Either they assume that their entire audience consists of Met professionals and forsensic experts or they assume the populace to be too stupid to understand anything anyway. Whatever the case, they sure know how to make a cyclone an eyesore more than a natural phenomenon.

Maybe Laila wouldn’t harm us at all. By the time this post gets updated on the blog, Laila seems to have been disheartened by the lack of interest shown in her after the Mangalore plane crash (may their souls R.I.P.). She does seem to have lost interest in the nation that was bracing for it and has perhaps decided to seek other means of entertainment. Maybe we’ll see her in Bollywood soon, who knows….

Almost average


I am back to that conveted place in my life again. ‘Last post: Ages ago’ reads my dashboard. If I only had the determination and the skill to stick it out, day after day and churn out quality posts, I might have squeezed out a lot more out of life. I wonder how these novelists are able to stick corks up their cracks and sit down to write page after page of meticulously chosen words. I seem to have patience the size of a peanut (or thereabout). A blogpost seems to be just about as much as I can manage. Anything remotely beyond that and my brain cries for mercy. A few weeks back when Ashwin and myself were gossipping over a cup of tea, he put an idea across to me – “Why don’t you try writing a novel? You are a decent writer, I am sure there will be readers out there willing to read your work.” Not that the idea hasn’t struck me before. I’ve had two futile attempts at writing a novel – One was an action/adventure story that sounded like Counter Strike in words and the other was a Chetan Bhagat style disaster. Therein lies the difference between us, I guess. When I feel the story getting out of hand, hopelessly cheezy and monotonous, I stop writing; Bhagat doesn’t.