Chapter 3 : Juggy [Contd.]

All characters in the following story are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real-life persons is entirely coincidental.

For Jojo and his to-be-soulmate, Juggy had no sympathies whatsoever. He relentlessly complained about Jojo being the reason why girls scream, ‘I hate men!’. Apparently, he knew girls way better than Jojo. I wouldn’t blame him. After having read “What women want and everything else under the sun” I was inclined to the feeling that a person who had no idea who he had kissed without the effects of alcohol deserved to be plaqued, with every right, with the title Juggy had suggested.

Jojo wasn’t a man renowned for his patience and with every passing minute of Juggy ceaseless banter about men like Jojo being the root cause of all evil, I couldn’t help but get the feeling there would be a need to call in the emergency services pretty soon. If Juggy’s words were indeed getting to Jojo, the latter would strangle himself, otherwise the latter would probably beat the former to ham. Fortunately, Teja interrupted before long.

“Dude, Juggy. If you can’t make yourself of any help, get your filthy ass out of here.”
“But just look at this guy. He kissed the girl with no sort of ratification of her identity.”
“Look, we know Jojo has a compressed rat’s brain. But, we should be helping him out in his spot of bother.”
“I don’t know why you are encouraging him. If you get behind him, the next thing you know, he’ll be kissing every girl behind the parking lot in the dark.”
“If such a thing were to happen, ill slip a live wire into his bed and wait for him to electrocute himself.”
“I am not sure you could do that.”
“Cometh the hour, cometh the man.”

Juggy frowned at Teja for a while then gave in.

“Fine. If you think you can handle him. What do you propose, Sherlock Holmes?”
“That is beyond me. That is why you should always have a dumbass in your group who goes around reading books on women’s mindsets.” He waved a hand vaguely in my direction.
“Lawl. I think the matter is pretty straight-forward. Jojo has to walk up to one of the twins, and ask her if she was the one he kissed. There is nothing better than honesty. He should probably explain the whole matter.”

We looked around at Jojo to find him throwing bits of paper at Worm, who made lazy attempts to dodge them.

“Juggy,” I said,” if we ever need a recipie for disaster, we will surely get back to you. But right now, the problem statement is such – Jojo has to figure out the kissed girl, and stay alive after he does so. The girl will frikking murder Jojo and bury his honesty alongside him in his grave.”

Jojo now seemed to tired of his previous sport and was making faces at himself in the mirror.

“Jojo, you ass!” Juggy shouted. Jojo leapt two feet off his berth and turned around to face us.
“Oh, sorry.” He twirled his mouth about and settled into a more normal expression. “I got carried away a bit.” Juggy looked like an old mother ready to whack him with a broom.

“Anyway.” I continued. “There is nothing better than patience in this matter. Jojo, my friend, the matter is simple. You have to be around the twins, no matter what.”
“Which twin?”
“Both twins”
“Harry, they are two disjointed people.”
“I know. Just hang around them all the time.”
“You mean hang around with either of them?”
“Exactly. But make sure you don’t hang out with one twin for too long. Distribute your time.”
“Alright. But what will that lead to?”
“It will buy us time. Then the psychology of the individual can take over.”
“The what?”
“The psychology of the individual. It is the study of the human mind and how it would react to different situations. Jeeves employs it all the time.”
“Who is Jeeves?”
“Never mind. Focus.”
“Aye aye.”
“Repeat after me. Spend-time-with-twins. As simple as that.”
“Got it.”
“Very soon, you will be sailing like a ship on butter.”
“Do ships sail on butter?”
“No, Jojo. That was not the crux of the statement. But never mind that. Don’t stress your brain too much. You have a job on your hands.”


Chapter 3 : Juggy

All characters in the following story are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real-life persons is entirely coincidental.

Juggy was the soul that I shared my room with. Debates raged in various circles as to who was the more unfortunate of the two for having the other as roommate. Juggy had no doubt in his mind whatsoever. In his opinion, the Indian judiciary system should have considered handing the penalized an option between 5 years of rigorous imprisonment and 5 weeks with me wherever applicable. Once when I was lying half-naked on my bed, he had cared to remark that he couldn’t see why our forefathers even thought of giving up their lives so that scum like me could enjoy freedom. I on the other hand, was hell-bent on proving that Juggy was a wandering perverted saint who had mistaken the university for the Himalayan mountains and his colleagues to be his disciples.

The first reaction of Juggy when he heard of Jojo’s adventures was rather predictable. He swayed for a moment on the spot as though there was a strong breeze determined to knock him down. He stared from me to Jojo repeatedly to ensure that we weren’t fooling with him. Once he had done so, the hand clasped the head in magnificient fashion and we heard him muttering although we barely saw his lips move. We did find out later that he was cursing the reckless, spoilt minds (read Jojo) that, according to him, had sprouted all around him without accord.

To every soul that breathed, he was a positive pain in the ass. When given an opportunity to speak, he would preach and humbly request us to mark his words and follow them. He had, of course, made it to the cellars of fame in our college when he stood up in the middle of the class and downright condemned the use of ‘insensitive and offensive language’ by the professor of algebra. Only later, after he had made a complete ass of himself, did we come to understand that he mistaken the word ‘rate’ for ‘rape’. Even the whole class, all of about 200 students, laughing at him and a furious professor were insufficient to divert him from his means.

It was a wonder, as Teja said, that he knew english. For a man against capitalism, soccer, cigarettes and anything even remotely western, he got along with english pretty well. He seemed to have no complaints, with english-medium education, with the computer or with english songs. He surprised us all when he got his laptop late in the second semester and got us sick and tired of Nickelback by the end of the day. Jojo ran out of the room when he played ‘Rockstar’ for the eight time in an hour. I got the feeling I was beginning to remember the lyrics of the damned song and the tune irritatingly kept playing in my head even when the music had stopped blaring from the speakers. Teja silently swore never to let any Nickelback song to ever infest his iPod and somehow knew Jagdish Jhunjhunwala, alias Juggy, would keep us wondering about his sanity for a few years to come.

Inspite of all that he was, we were good friends with Juggy and like all good friends, we always stabbed him in the front. We couldn’t help it, he was that sort of a person. He was short and plump and seemed to roll when he walked. If were to see him scurrying along a corridor for the first time, one couldn’t help but be frought with the fear that he might simply fall onto his side and lie there like an upturned beetle. His legs were probably more powerful that they looked at first sight. It must take some doing to propel that globular mass forward and onward. His style of walking was comparable only to the Worm and the two of them together were miles away from the rest of the pack.

Juggy’s habits were always a wonder to us. Teja swore he could lay down a thousand bucks and claim Juggy had never masterbated. Jojo took the matter on step further by claiming Juggy didn’t pee (Which, incidentally, none of us had seen him do). I could tell from his nervousness, he had never talked to a girl for more than 10 seconds or 3 sentences, whichever was earlier. However, the word in town was that he did have a girlfriend; which was what beat us all. It paved way for Teja’s remark : “You know, girls have a worse choice than boys when it comes to choosing their soulmates. I mean, just look at the situation. There are so great guys without girls and yet these girls pick out the biggest jackass in the lot to be their boyfriend. Guys on the other hand, have not left out any hot girl. It just goes to show. I bet Juggy’s girlfriend is really hot. It’s just the way the world turns.” Worm merely nodded to whatever each one of us said.

“Did you know Juggy is the sole heir to some few million rupees worth of property?” asked Jojo one day while we stared at the mentioned person scamper off to the cafeteria. There was no rumor that was left unheard by Jojo. It helps to be in the company of girls who are experts at gossip.
“Who said so?” asked Teja.
“I don’t know. That is the word. It seems his dad is a big shot back in his town.”
“Hmm. When we do plan to do our gigs, we’ll make him sponsor us.”
Jojo rubbed his hands together.
“And as the manager of your band. I shall ensure that the money is spent well.”
“Hear, Hear.”

Worm sat staring at Teja’s guitar and silently drinking in every word.

Chapter 2: Teja [Contd.]

Teja merely grinned back at Jojo.
“Teja, you ass. Why don’t you make yourself useful and help me out a bit here. I could really use some help right now.” There was a hint of desperation in his voice. Teja finally stopped yanking Jojo’s tail. He could be a really handy friend when one needed him. He had once helped yours truly get out of a tight spot when I had been taken into police custody for interrogation. But that’s a different story altogether. At the moment, the four of us were crowded into Teja’s room brainstorming over Jojo’s rather avoidable situation.

Teja was the first to speak up, though not very convincingly. “Are you sure you wish to date one of these chicks? I mean, you could use your time so much better.” Jojo thought for a second and then replied. “You can rule out the option of me backing off. It’s a matter of whether I should sit around and wait or really chance my arm.”

I somewhat reassured him. “Don’t call it ‘chancing your arm’. We’ll figure out who the unfortunate maiden is, sooner than later; don’t you worry.”

Juggy was never a person with gifts of concentration. He was the sort of person who would forget what he was talking about by the time he finished a sentence. We didn’t blame him for it. So, it wasn’t very surprising that when he finally got a chance to break the silence, he did so by claiming that a prostitute had made herself comfortable next to him on the bus earlier that day. Jojo’s case study was cast aside when he spoke thus.

“I swear she was a prostitute!”, he protested when we refused to believe him. “She was rubbing her elbow against my groin! She was a whore if there ever was one. She was trying to seduce me, you know. Trying to make me get an erection.” I frowned at his words. How come such things always happened to Juggy? Teja raised an eyebrow as a sign of interest. Jojo had turned over on the bed with a curious glance at Juggy.

“What do you mean ‘tried to make me get an erection’? You mean to say you didn’t get one?”

Juggy shuffled his feet as a response and tried to avoid everyone’s eyes by staring out of the open window. Jojo gave a sudden snigger and propped himself up on his elbow.

“Whoa, whoa. What have we here? Looks like there are more interesting matters than me going around kissing twins. Juggy, my friend, you were saying?”

Juggy looked like he could have killed himself for having brought the topic up. Teja withdrew himself from his reclined position.”Lawl ! Did you not get an erection? Dude, the girl was nearly scratching your balls, the way you describe it. How can you frikking feeling nothing?”

Juggy looked around at each one of us in turn and finally gave in to the relentless eye-balling.

“Fine, fine. I didn’t get an erection. Does that make you happy?”
“Pray elaborate, my good man.”
“Well, I simply started chating ‘Ram, Ram’ in my head. I said to myself ‘You are a good man, a pious man. Lust is for the weak. It is nothing but mayajaal. It’s all moh-maaya‘” Juggy looked like he had swallowed a lemon really quickly.

“Holy crap, man!” said Teja barely able to believe his ears. “You thought of all that shit while she was busy touching you?? Dude, you should have simply taken her offer. Ask Jojo how difficult it is to get a girl these days.” Juggy frowned.

“You would have done the same too, if you were in a public place. Don’t you blame me.” But none of us were listening. We had made ourselves busy by rolling over the floor with laughter.

“Yes, yes. Laugh all you like. But one day you will realize I was right. Lust is not everything.” Juggy said as he stormed out of the room.

Chapter 2: Teja

All characters in the following story are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real-life persons is entirely coincidental.

 Over the first week of my introduction to Teja, I had wondered what a person of his caliber was doing in our college. I oft wondered how a person like him was not making news headlines elsewhere in the world. He could have been a rockstar, a youth icon and so much more. The only stupid decision he seemed to have made was that to drive down the engineering road. Maybe none of his well-wishers knew anything much about engineering at all to divert him from the miling crowd of endeavouring engineers.

“I think I know what it is.” said Jojo unexpectedly one day when I voiced out the abovementioned thoughts. “TMK doesn’t sound cool at all. We know how cool he is because we know him, you know. But those of him who don’t know him, will have to know him through his name or his initals, you know. And you know they aren’t cool.” I took a minute off and retreated to fully absorb what Jojo had told me. Well, yes, Teja Murali Krishna was not the ideal name for a rockstar and neither was TMK the ideal nickname for a youth icon.

Teja hadn’t been blessed with the best looks either. He was rather ordinary looking to say the least. But he knew how to dress. He never tried too hard, as with everything he did, but always managed to pull it off. Even the simplest of costumes looked good on him. In many ways, he contrasted Jojo. Jojo had the kind of dreamy looks that girls somehow always fall for. But even they got repelled by his dead-brainness. “Nothing repels girls more wonderfully well than a hint of bad breath, a touch of body odour and an ounceful of Jojo” as Juggy once put it. Teja on the other hand had,in my book, everything that a girl could possibly want. He had a coolness quotient beyond compare and a bring-it-on attitude that should have ordinarily squeezed even the faintest of ‘ooo’s out of girls. But somehow he never seemed attracted girls. He did once have a girlfriend, he told me. “But she had a problem with my smoking. She told me if I continued smoking, either she’d start smoking too or she would dump me. So I dumped her instead.”

We found Teja in his room later that day. “Drop the case, Jojo.”, he said, without bothering to look up. His guitar always got more attention than it could have asked for. “Oh only if it was a girl.” Jojo had once said, referring to Teja’s guitar. “She would run away out his over-posessiveness and over-obsession and I could have had her on the rebound”, he added with a wink. I assured him that he would have won plenty of girls if that had indeed been the case.

“Girls are nothing but trouble, trust me.” said Teja once he finished fretting over the invisible marks on this guitar. “You are better off without them. Besides, you don’t want them to get to know how stupid you really are.”

Jojo made a grumbling sound and set himself down on the bed of the-engineer-who-never-was. The-engineer-who-never-was ought to have been Teja’s roommate. But he never arrived. Instead there was a pair of unclaimed shoes on the bed on the first day of university that probably belonged to him. To quote Teja, “Maybe he was out to be an engineer but he knew he never was one. So our engineer-who-never-was simply legged it and left his shoes behind in the hope that maybe I would leg it too and would join him in the wilderness. But I have failed him. I have let down his trust. Oh engineer-who-never-was, please forgive me. I have let you down. I’ve never had the guts.” Teja had succumbed into violent sobbing the first time he uttered those words. Juggy had to run over to comfort him and Jojo felt Teja should be thrown into the nearest asylum with a couple of hefty guards who would ensure he didn’t set the place on fire.

Jojo made himself comfortable on the bed. “Do you think the-engineer-who-never-was had a girlfriend?”

“Probably yes.” was Teja’s reply. “Maybe he had legged it for his damsel in distress. That force would have been alone to motivate him.”

Jojo was lying back staring at the ceiling. “Do you think he would have kissed a twin?”

“No that can only be done by a person of your supreme intelligence. I have always wondered why God didn’t give you a lizard’s body. It would have fitted your brain so beautifully.”

Jojo muttered something that sounded like “Cut the crap”.

Teja smiled at the effect his words had brought about. “But well, on a positive note, maybe it is fitting that you kissed one of the twins.” Jojo looked around at him with a ray of hope. “Ya, you never know, you could end up courting the other one instead and consequently getting murdered in cold blood by the former. Anyways, you’d do the world a favor by getting your fat ass off it.” Jojo gave him a look that plainly said ‘I could ask for nothing better than being able to strangle you’.

Chapter 1: Jojo [Contd.]

All characters in the following story are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real-life persons is entirely coincidental.

It would have been easy, no doubt, to dismiss the matter as a case of rash youthfulness and carry on on the merry road. But, I knew better than to act that way. Jojo was a person to be handled differently.

“So let me get this straight. You kissed one of the Hussein twins.”
“That’s right.”
“And this was your first kiss.”
“You got me.”
“And you have no idea which girl you kissed.”
“Well actually, I have narrowed it down to two.”
“Were you drunk?”

I seemed to have hit bedrock in my interrogation session. The character of the person before me was beginning to baffle me even more now.

“Didn’t it strike you before you kissed the girl that you ought to know who she is?”
“Well, it did strike me. But I was taking for granted that she was Aisha. I didn’t bother to examine the matter further. Then when we kissed, I thought she tasted like Aara.”
“What do you mean ‘tasted like’? Have you tasted her before?”
“No, I got this gut feeling as one may put it.”

I eyed the man with a bit of impatience. Gut feeling indeed. If only he had a penny for each gut feeling he ever had. That last time his ‘gut feeling’ theory had been put into practice was when he blew out the Cathode Ray Oscilloscope in the lab. “Harry, I’ve got this under control. Don’t you worry.” he had assured me. “I am getting the gut feeling this is the right way to connect these godforsaken wires.” The next thing I knew, the harmless looking instrument was fuming and so was the lab assistant who had appeared out of nowhere to stand behind us. I asked him for an explanation later. He came up with the innocent-sounding reply, “Harry, there are no explanations for gut feelings. You cannot express the feeling in words. It just comes from inside.” while he leant back on his chair with his feet on his table. It was, according to him, one of the most important corollaries of the gut-feeling theory – The gut feeling theory has no feasible justifications.

I was just beginning to work out how much richer Jojo would have been if he did indeed have a penny per gut feeling when Teja walked in.

“Hey, I saw Jojo pass by like the breeze.” He made himself comfortable against the door-frame and said, “I give you thirty seconds. I’ve got a class to attend.” He performed a hand gesture to indicate he had started his stopwatch. Jojo was in no mood to repeat his tale, so I had to do the honors. By the end of it, Teja was brightened up beyond compare. “Way to go, Jo. You have hit new lows. I’ll get back to you for some more shit after class.” With that and a wave of the upper arm, he was off.

Jojo was wearily staring at the tube-light as I turned back to him.

“You didn’t ask her who she was?”

He didn’t bother to take his eyes off the tubelight as he replied.”What am I supposed to ask? ‘Hi, I know we kissed, but I don’t know your name. Do you you mind telling me?’? That would have ended my chance with her faster than Teja can smoke a cigarette.”

I turned the prospect over in my mind. “Well ya, that would have been a dumb thing to say.”
“Thank you. But I haven’t come here for you to accredit what I have already done. What am I to do now? Should I humbly ask one of them, or wait to see which one of them approach me or try to hit on both of them again?”

“Ah, my friend, you have come to the right person and at the right time.” I patted the book and held it up again so that he could see it in clearer light again.
“What is that about?” he asked again.
“Ah, nothing great. The title says ‘What women want and everything else under the sun”. So from what I make of it, it’s a book about everything.” I repeated once again.

He stared at me for a second as if in utter horror.
“What?” I asked.
dejavu“, he whispered. “I get the feeling you had said the same thing some other time.”

His dumbness never ceased to surprise me. But thankfully I usually knew what to expect of him. So I merely shrugged the shoulders and continued.
“Anyways, we cannot employ any of the methods suggested by thy naiive self. The matter calls for subtleties, my friend. You think Sherlock Holmes would have simply followed one of those alternatives. No, he would have assessed the situation on hand and deployed a ploy of his own. This book here is one of the keys to unravel the puzzle.”
“Ooo, is that a Sherlock Holmes book? I’ve always wanted to read one. Pass it to me.”
I ignored his statement, his request and his outstretched hand in totality.
“Jojo, we are going to figure out the unfortunate Hussein that you lay your filthy lips upon, don’t worry.”